Shut up, Sirius
by Fanfic-Frankie
Summary: Instead of being serious, a chatty Sirius, Lily and James discuss Harry, his children and his choice in women, among other matters. Warning:Everyone in this story is DEAD. If you suffer from major DHD Deathly Hallows Denial this is not for you. Oneshot.


A very short silly fic I felt the need to write instead of revising for History, because I'm an idiot. I blame .o..o.O.o. So go read her stuff. After this, I mean. I also blame Fran, and should she ever read this, it is dedicated to her.

* * *

Shut up, Sirius

The world is a funny place, but it gets even funnier once you leave it. For about fifteen years James had not really existed after his death. He'd been absorbed into a misty ether, and everything was stripped away that could possibly cause pain – anger, hatred, faults, but also love, memory and ultimately identity. There had just been peace – no knowledge of anything beyond peace, like he wasn't fully conscious. Then, suddenly, he was jerked back into being James Potter, old memories returning along with the new visions of his son, _his son,_ as he erupted from the end of a wand to join his wife, Lily, _and how could he have had peace without Lily_, to fight his enemy again.

After that, the peace did not return instantly. Instead he, like the newly dead, retained his own identity, not noticing as it flaked off, bit by bit, as he had done before. Sure, the pain was gone – he could feel it, but it didn't linger, the weight had been removed. It was all meant to lead again to peace, though the process was slowed by James' insistence to hang around with his wife, talking and commenting on Harry, even when it was painful to watch.

'IT'S A TRAP, HARRY!' Sometimes James thought his son was just a wee bit thick.

'OH, HARRY, PLEASE.' Lily, however, did not. Much.

'Sirius, help him, you're his Godfather, help- oh Merlin. Oh no... Padfoot.'

'Oh, James, I'm so sorry. That Bitch.'

'But it's Sirius – he's Harry's only family – I am not counting them, Lily – he can't... die.'

'Fuck fuck fuckity fuck – oh, wotcher James, Ev- Lily!"

'Sirius!'

'What are you doing here?'

'He's your best friend, James, you explain.'

'Bellatrix didn't beat me, did she? I'll never live this down.'

'No, you won't.'

'Oh, very funny, Ev- Potter.'

'I'm sorry. Thank you, Sirius.'

'For what? Letting Peter hang around Harry for three years, or failing to kill the rat after that, AGAIN? And failing Harry? Again. Or maybe failing totally and utterly-'

'You did WHAT?'

'How COULD you?'

'Weren't you watching? Hey, wait, why are you angry at me? I just DIED. Sympathy please.'

'We can't remember anything before the Priori Incantatem last year. You let that traitorous bastard near my son?'

'I was in AZKABAN!' For the first time though, Sirius didn't feel the weight of that terror on his shoulders. He was, after all, free. And very dead.

'I don't care!'

'James, be reasonable, you're acting like Harry-'

'What?'

'Hey, you're right, Lily, spot on – How do you know?'

'Oh, we can spy on him from here.'

'Really?'

'Can we get back to the matter at hand?'

'No – Oh, hey, look, I'm young again!'

'You looked awful before.'

'Let it go, James, he tried his best.'

'Wasn't good enough though.'

'You're husband is bloody demanding. I lasted longer than he did.'

'You let my son do all the hard work! Some Godfather. But I guess you're forgiven'

'Righto. Now, where are the girls?'

'Shut up, Sirius.'

* * *

And sometimes it was painful in very different ways.

'I can't believe you sometimes, Sirius.'

'What?'

'All those months with Harry, and you didn't teach him how to seduce girls? It's bloody embarrassing.'

'You didn't either!'

'I last saw him when he was ONE.'

'What about the Priori Incantatem?'

'Lily, we were there for all for thirty seconds. I was meant to teach him how to get the girl then? Why are you laughing?'

'Just... the idea... I'm sorry, I'm trying to stop, James, I really am.... you, teaching how... how to get the girl...'

'I got you. I did!'

'Sure, Prongs, you got her.'

'Shut up, Sirius. I did. We have a son!'

'Who's rubbish with women.'

'He has good taste though. That Chang girl was very well bui-'

'James!'

'She was athletic! That's all I meant! Athletic!'

'Hmmm'

'I agree with James on her athleticism'

'Thank you, Si- This isn't helping me at all, is it Lily?'

'No. Not least because that Chang girl wasn't at all good for Harry.'

'Too clingy.'

'And in love with her dead _Hufflepuff_ boyfriend.'

'Padfoot, Cedric's still hanging around here somewhere, it hasn't been that long since he died. No insulting him.'

'Don't speak ill of the dead, Black.'

'I'm bloody dead. God, you two manage by some miracle of God to reproduce and suddenly become sanctimonious tight arses.'

'We've got ten years of death on you, easy. We're wiser.'

'Shut up.'

'...'

'That Weasley girl is gorgeous. Didn't know Arthur had it in him.'

'I thoroughly agree – Lily, stop glaring. She's not a patch on you, I promise.'

'She's fifteen!'

'So? I remember you at fifteen.'

'You're thirty six!'

'I'm twenty one! Sirius is the only one who got old!'

'It's still wrong.'

'Lilliput-'

'Don't call me that, Black.'

'Lilliput, you have to understand. The Potters have a thing for redheads.'

'Yeah, we do, Lily.'

'They're hopeless at getting them.'

'Ye- Oi! Black! Get back here, now!'

'He hasn't got a portrait, James, he can't go far.'

'Nanananana, can't catch me!'

'Shut up, Sirius.'

* * *

Indeed, none of the three dead friends had a portrait allowing them to commute from their own misty realm to the land of the living, and slowly all three began to fade again. Their conversations grew less vivid as their personalities turned into shadows, and the blissful peace, like a drug, crept in on their minds. That is, until Harry used the stone. Back in the realm, the conversations began once more.

'MOONY! Great to see you mate! Look, James, REMUS.'

'Remus, I'm so sorry.'

'Me too mate. I mean, I know what it's like to leave them behind. If only for a second.'

'Thanks Lily, James.'

'What are you all talking- oh, shit. You're dead.'

'It would appear so. It's a novel experience. Been enjoying it?'

'Can't remember much, really. You'll get used to it.'

'Look, Moony, sorry 'bout before, I wasn't thinking.'

'As usual.'

'Thanks, Lilliput. Mate, come on. Cheer up. Tonks'll probably be dead soon, anyway.'

'Sirius, know when to stop talking.'

'I'm just saying she was never a great fighter. And look at you and James. You're happy and dead together. Bet you were glad when Lily joined you, right Prongsie?'

'It was the worst moment of my life- death.'

'Oh. Well, it was over quickly. You're happy now, you can't deny it, happier than you ever were down there. Anyway, Remus should cheer up, he's spent the last twenty years moping and aging twice as fast as the rest of us. He looks grey.'

'Black! I am going to rip-'

'No, no, Lily, he's right about me. I should cheer up. We should be talking about Harry. That's a brave boy you have there, Lily, James.'

'We know.'

'I'm so proud of him.'

'He's a hero. My son, a hero.'

'We ALL know that. Look, I know we're all tense because he's fighting Voldemort and no one knows who is going to die – oh, hi Fred, Messers Moony, Padfoot and Prongs here, first door on the left – but can we please appreciate my humour? I'm dead funny.'

'...'

'Oh, fuck it, I'm as tense as any of you, and shit scared for Harry. James, he's the closest thing to family I've ever had, 'cept you, so give me the credit for knowing what it's like to be this nervous, to be you. I just can't do it though. Please. _Please._'

'Ok, Sirius. Just... be quiet. We'll all be quiet. And nobody even think about.... it.'

'Anyone for Exploding Snap?'

'I'm in!'

'TONKS!'

'REMUS!'

'...'

'You can't say it Sirius.'

'Told you so.'

'Shut up, Sirius.'

* * *

Funnily enough, after the episode with the resurrection stone, the friends stopped fading. None of them noticed, having forgotten ever fading before, along with most of their afterlife, but a funny feeling still hung around Sirius, James and Lily. They had no reason to hang around – no portraits, no ghosts, no forms of communication, and yet here they were. Sometimes they were uneasy. Most of the time though, they just spied on Harry.

'Awww, isn't she darling?'

'Lily, she looks just like the other two sproglets our son has produced. Small, pink and wrinkly, like he was.'

'Yes, but she's a girl.'

'A small, pink, wrinkle girl'

'She's called Lily.'

'And that makes her cuter?'

'Yes! Keep up James.'

'You know, Ev- Potter, you're a lot more cocky now. You'll be giving James a run for his money. Or even that Malfoy kid.'

'Sirius, did you just compare my wife to the ferrety boy that killed Dumbledore? Because you may be dead, but you aren't immune to pain.'

'Um, no I didn't?'

'Good.'

'Thank you, James.'

'You're welcome Lilly darling.'

'...'

'Stop that, Padfoot.'

'What?'

'Rolling your eyes.'

'I'm hurt, James, yes, frankly hurt that you would think I, Sirius Black, would dare to roll my eyes at the sight of you and your wife sinking into soppy sweetness after thirty years of being married. 28 of which you were dead for.'

'Sirius...'

'Fine, fine. You're not worth tormenting anyway. Where's Remus?'

'I... I don't know – oh, wait. He's probably talking to Teddy. You know they got portraits made, him and Tonks, right?'

'No I did not! I want a bloody portrait. Phineus has got one. What kind of Black family member doesn't have a portrait?'

'The kind that abandons their family motto, buys a flying motorcycle and dies fighting against Voldemort's greatest supporters and his own cousin?'

'Why did you have to go for the smart one, eh, Prongs?'

'He has good taste. So does Harry. Ginny is simply glowing, don't you think? I really do like her.'

'She's not a patch on you.'

'You've said that before.'

'Have I? I don't remember.'

'You did.'

'Reall-'

'Er, guys, hate to disturb such riveting philosophy, but don't you think it's weird his kids are named after both of you?'

'No, Sirius,'

'Well...'

'James!'

'I'm just saying, Ginny hasn't really had a look in with these names. Really. This is the third kid and the biggest input she's had was 'I like Luna too.' And Lily and James Potter? It's a little creepy.'

'Not very original either.'

'You two! Molly and Arthur aren't dead! Harry is showing respect.'

'Albus Severus? That's not respect, that's stealing. And what about Fred?'

'What about him?'

'He's a dead Weasley, and worth remembering.'

'You' re just saying that because he idolised you that first week.'

'Quite right too.'

'Anyway, George already named his son Fred – and I'm allowed to spy on him, he's extended family now'

'Fine, fine. But your sproglet is not very inventive, admit it.'

'It's true Lily, Harry hardly has my creativity.'

'Harry was – It was someone's name! We named him after someone, we must have.'

'Nope. I looked at him, and thought of it, and you agreed. He looked like a Harry. Creativity, see?'

'You may be right, MAYBE... He always did see things very black and white. Not a lot of creativity.'

'...'

'He did save the world a lot though, eh James, Lily?'

'Yeah, good lad.'

'Yes he did.'

'You know, when he wasn't getting me killed-'

'Sirius, SHUT UP.'

* * *

What can I say, I'm insane! Reviews?


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